Breaking Balls - Season One - Episode TEN - The Offseason

Minneapolis (MN) - In a surprise off-season move, Breaking Balls' super-jock Derek Wallen was traded to Lifetime Fitness in exchange for slightly used exercise equipment and ten waterslide seasonal passes. The team agreed to include an undisclosed amount of men's Umbro short shorts, Levi's skinny jeans and Carhartt flannels.

In a press release, Wallen thanked ownership and hi teammates for a magical run and stated his time with the team was one he'd never forget. "I couldn't have worked for a better group of owners. My teammates are the best in the business. It's a bittersweet feeling, but I look forward to the new opportunity ahead."

The team acted swiftly to replace Wallen by calling up prospect and college softball legend Kierra Jeffers. "The pieces are in place," described optimist manager Manchester. "Wallen was an outstanding individual and will be missed. And while some might say we got "stone-Wallened" in the deal, I believe with Jeffers and a more committed Van Einde, we'll be a dynamic kickball team." The team will look to ride its one-game winning streak into the spring season.

In other news, team owner Forbes was recently spotted at local hotspot Pizza Luce. Reports in recent months had suggested the owner has lost a significant amount of weight, but his actions would suggest otherwise. An undisclosed witness suggested Forbes devoured two slices of pizza, a plate of extra-crisply wings, and somewhere around six beers while claiming he's Luce's true "Number One Customer." Local Harry Underwood has held the honor for years.

The team announced it's looking in a name change and rebrand to generate new revenue. More details to follow. 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode NINE - Recap (6.10.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - As the sun set on Breaking Balls’ inaugural season, the team chose to let it all hang out in the finale—especially Krzmarzick, who couldn’t seem to keep his shorts up.

With a near-capacity crowd on hand, the team aggressively jumped BUCK-U-RANCH, going balls-deep into the lead with five runs after the first inning.

But the team crumbled under the pressure of the crowd’s expectations, fumbling opportunities to get timely outs and allowing the BUCKS to stick it back to them. Many distractions seemed to keep the game close, with some players citing nervousness due to the attendance of prospective team owners Dean Forbes and Dan Fisher.

But Coach Manchester refused to let the pre-game dry heaves hold him back from coaching a masterpiece. Spitting out the remaining contents of his stomach, he shouted, “I’m sick of this losing shit! Let’s go out there and win one for the Skip! Winger's in the crowd, and she’s not even drunk,” he squawked. “This means business, folks!”

While both teams arrived winless to the Forgotten Fields, Balls shook off the jitters to pull out an epic 14-11 victory on Tuesday night. “You’ve got some athlete’s out there,” slurred a drunken BUCK-U-RANCH outfielder.

Balls’ athleticism came into play at crucial moments. Team member Baham recruited her own son to supplement the team’s kicking powers, and he proved that even motherboys can kick it. The team also invited some innovative new ways to get on base.

Part way into the game, Sikora ripped the season’s most intense accidental five-foot bunt, much to the dismay of his team. However, Manchester raised the bar on the term, when he squid-kicked a monster bunt that dribbled a whopping four feet for a single. “It just shows that for both of us, sometimes pulling a Brownie works,” Manchester chuckled as he recalled the event.

Despite the win, controversy continued to shroud the team's play. In the fifth inning, Designated Kicker Trish McCabe was robbed of a single when the BUCK’S first basemen stepped directly into her base path. The bench erupted in outrage as she was called “out,” with Krzmarzick throwing a full beer toward the umpire. "Apparently you think this is FOOTBALL, Ump,” the outraged pitcher screamed while holding up his shorts with his free hand. “Do I look like a football player to you?"

But the team rebounded from the officiating errors and scored two additional runs, despite Sikora being tagged out at home plate. Attempting, yet again, to show off for his girlfriend, Sikora ignored the wildly protesting shouts of the third base coach and teammates, rounding third toward home. Unfortunately for Sikora, his poor choice on the field cost him the run and possibly a girlfriend. It’s rumored that team members heard her say that his playing “just didn’t do it for [her] this week,” and that he may be banned from further trips to Ikea for “bedroom set browsing.”

"New season, new girlfriend, whatever,” Sikora said defensively. “I'll come back next season with more refined skills, and I'll be back in Ikea sooner than you can say Match-dot-com.”

With the win, the team broke numerous records, including “most wins in a season” and “most runs scored in a game,” as well as “most sunflower seeds spit by a potential owner while intensely pacing the sidelines.”

With rumors spreading that the team may be on the market, Fish & Forbes Industries inquired about availability after a heavy night of drinking.

“We see a lot value in this team; they just need to execute our tactics,” exclaimed Forbes, attempting to persuade the crowd of reporters. Reports have
swirled in recent days that ownership’s intent is to contract and force the team members to play out their settlements as a creative agency.

"We have a lot of work to do in the fall," Fisher described, as the team carried Manchester away on their shoulders in celebration.
In other news, the team has extended its manager’s contract by one week. Stay tuned for the end-of-year awards announced next week. 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode EIGHT - Recap (6.3.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - Manchester knew time was running out on his tenure as Breaking Balls’ manager. Desperate measures had to be taken to save his job. So, the coach turned to the Sleepy Eye call-up for a new addition on the pitching mound, a man whose year had been defined by erratic throws, vulgar language and inconsistent play in the field: Jeremy Krzmarzick.

In his pre-game speech, an emotional Krzmarzick moved his teammates with a rendition of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” promising in his lyrical display, “I’ll take you there.”

The other team took notice of his exuberance and came to the Balls’ bench asking for defectors to fill in for their comrades, who had passed out on a nearby picnic table. Krzmarzick exclaimed in homage to his celebrity crush Jennifer Lawrence, “I volunteer!” It was a move that allowed Balls to both gain insight on the other team’s tactics in the field and also proved that Krzmarzick is willing to go both ways.

After he’d concluded his mission, the Balls brought Krzmarzick back on board to begin his role on the mound. “Let’s win this one for Tom!” yelled the fired-up new pitcher, tripping over the foul line as he trotted out. At that point, the pitcher's... unique... style and delivery drove the team throughout the game, depleting Drunk Like a Skunk’s team and nearly securing Balls its first victory. Although it technically ended in a 4-4 tie in extra innings, it felt like a win to both the team and the crowd.

The Hurd-Krzmarzick combo platter on the mound dominated Drunk Like a Skunk’s kickers until late-inning fatigue caught up with them (much like the black bean burrito Krzmarzick ate for lunch). “He was a little pooped, so we put Hurd in to hold the tie during the extra innings,” described the chipper GM Sikora. “Overall, the team played outstanding defense today. We couldn’t have asked for a better game defensively.”

With solid defensive plays from the left side of the infield, Manchester and Van Den Einde forced Skunks to try for placement elsewhere in the field. But, with a dazzling double-play catch and tag up the middle by Krzmarzick, the drunken Skunks slurred their efforts with little success.

Tamatha Schei, the team’s third basemen pulled herself from play mid-game to document the historic performance on her phone. When asked about Schei’s selfless act, coach Manchester replied, “I’m still waiting for my cream-filled donut. Next question.”

Fielding a ball in the third, First Base Woman Sarah Riedell dashed toward the oncoming runner. With her eyes locked on the target, Riedell fired at the approaching runner’s feet. But to her surprise, the drunken, cigarette-smoking runner suddenly slid, and Riedell’s powerful throw hit him bullseye in the face. It was the “play of the year” to some, with the runner not only safe at the bag due to the head-hit, but calmly and unflinchingly still puffing away at his Camel Light cigarette. Big Tobacco is rumored to have requested footage of the play for an upcoming campaign proving exercise can be more dangerous for your health than smoking.

Balls put runners on base time after time to try and secure a game-winning run, but struggled due to several base-running errors. "I'll take a tie, voiced Starting Pitcher Hurd. “I mean it's as close as we’ve gotten to a victory this season.”

The team is hoping to build off its gutty performance in the field with next week’s cliffhanger season finale. Will this team win a game?

In other news, Sikora returned in time from IKEA to score another inside-the-park home run, generating loud screams from his littering girlfriend in the crowd. He leads the team in RKIs with 12. It was a stunning performance, although celebrations are marred by rumors that Sikora may be investigated by league officials. According to allegations, suspicions arose due to Sikora’s dramatic and obvious performance improvement whenever his girlfriend is in attendance. A full evaluation and blood test on Sikora are pending at this time. 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode SEVEN - Recap (5.27.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - There’s much to be said about the power of a bark vs. bite, as well as the tone that is set when the opposing team’s dog poops on third base before the start of the game. The team worried it was a symbolic display of their losing streak, but on a night dominated by cute puppies and birthdays, the party was just getting started. Breaking Balls put together its most gutsy performance at the Creek with a late rally led by birthday boy Tony Van Den Einde.

With four consecutive hits late in the game, Balls pushed for a heroic comeback generated by Lindsey Frey’s speedy base running. Determined to keep the inning alive, she outran throw after throw on the bases. But like the extinguished candles on the team’s birthday cake, the team blew its sixth-consecutive game, 3-7.

The result has led to rumblings in the front office that Coach Manchester could be replaced at season’s end. Contesting the rumor and its implications, the team has issued a statement highlighting its appreciation for the coach’s unwavering optimism to end the regular season on a win. The fans, too, continue to cheer the possibilities for this team, deeming them the “Lovable Losers” and encouraging its no-quit attitude.

“They’re fun and entertaining to watch,” stated a local fan enthusiastically, “But sometimes it’s frustrating to see the fumbles in the field, the consistent pop-up kicks at the plate and other points of obvious discombobulation, like that woman who showed up wearing the wrong jersey.”

Lucky for the fans, discombobulated and entertaining go hand-in-hand, and the team brought both in full last night. Van Den Einde made short work of the opposition in the field, drilling an all-star member of One Kick Wonders as he attempted to steal third after an overthrow at second base. The shear force of Van Den Einde’s throw left the runner hobbling back to the bench. The play and others demonstrated his amazing range at shortstop, the flail of his long arms unhindered in their quickness despite his near senior-citizen-aged league status. The opponents grew frustrated as Van Den Einde eliminated kick after kick with out after out. At times, comments such as “Is it raining yet?” or “I didn't know they stacked s**t that high!” rang out in attempts to distract Ball’s tallest player. He responded with a coolly stated, “There won’t be any fork near this guy’s birthday cake tonight.”

While the team’s inconsistent play in the field continues to be detrimental, they still found ways to dazzle the crowd. In the third, Frey fielded a ball up the middle in an attempt to relay the ball for the force play at second. As the runner approached the base, both Van Den Einde and outfielder
Matt Rodgers attempted to cover the base. All three players fumbled the transition, but the ball—driven with its own homing missile-like intention—still found its own way onto the base, bouncing off the runner’s ankle and resulting in a controversial “out” call by the ump.

Behind the plate, the team’s right-fielder Trish McCabe shined, reaching base on three consecutive attempts in the game. “Great placement was the key. She was out there celebrating my birthday with even more fist pumping than me,” described teammate and birthday girl Heather Hurd.

Tonight’s sixth-inning stretch was replaced with a rendition of “Happy Birthday” in honor of Van Den Einde and Hurd.
“Guys, they even put candles on the cake, it was so nice,” described the birthday girl, upon being presented with an honorary birthday cake by the team.

In other announcements:
The league has fined Tamatha Schei, the team’s third baseman for a uniform violation. Schei chose to play in the team’s orange “Go Team Fish” away jersey during the home game. She will be fined a week’s pay and has been asked to bring in donuts on Friday to bury the unrest in the clubhouse. “Whoopsie,” commented Schei in response to the uniform violation. Coach Manchester chimed in on her violation, “I’m a big fan of chocolate cream-filled donuts from Cub Foods. That’s all I have to say about that.”

General Manager Andrew Sikora announced a short-term partnership with IKEA. Scratch-offs will be handed out at next week’s game, with opportunity to save as much as 50% off dual purchases of candles and bedroom sets.

When asked about the upcoming playoffs, the coach sounded off. “What’s that? Ah — playoffs? Don’t talk about — playoffs? You kidding me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game!”

Next game: June 3rd, 6pm @ Bassett’s Creek Valley Park Field #2 vs Drunk Like a Skunk. Get your popcorn ready! 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode SIX - Recap (5.20.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - The chants of “Andy” rang out through the Forgotten Fields of Minneapolis Tuesday night, as King Andrew Sikora showcased his gifted base-running skills, turning a simple single into an unforgettable inside-park home run. Determined to impress his girlfriend before their "Game of Thrones" date night, Sikora slipped past countless Just for Kix’s fielders on his mad dash home. And much like George R.R. Martin's propensity for killing his characters hopes and dreams, the team will have to tune in next week to try and pick up its first victory, as it fell to the Kix’s, 7-17.

Motivated by bench coach Dan Fisher, Breaking Balls started off strong behind Sikora’s performance and scored in the first two innings. But the beer started to take over, unable to counterpunch the on-slot of runs in the 3rd by Just for Kix, who opened up a seven-run lead. “I’ve stopped a lot of balls in my day, but there were a few too many sneaking by,” said Schei, describing on the on-slot of runs. “It brought me back to my ole Browerville days, playing the field.” Schei continued her strong defensive play, knocking down numerous ball smacked in her direction. Defensive lapses seemed to be the difference in the game, with the lack of focus in the field coming under fire.

In her post-game protein meal, right-center fielder Christy Brown admitted her lack of protein before the game may have led to her misjudging a ball in the field. “Yeah, I could tell she was distracted and lacked energy. Her vertical jump was non-existent on that play," stated Coach Manchester, who took over in center field midway through the game. She definitely looked more energized after her cool down protein fix.”

Balls pushed for a late rally led by Laura Smith, whose two-out single in the sixth brought home scoring runs, one from Krzmarzick, who dodged and ducked past flying balls on his way to home. The play seemed to be inspired by Sikora's efforts. When asked if Sikora's style was rubbing off on him, Krzmarzick replied, “Heck yeah it was! We take chances!” But the rally stalled out after another horrible call by the ump and stretched the team’s Laffy Taffy-like losing streak to five games.

“We were in it. A play here and there, it’s a different game. If we only had a tall guy on our team, we’d be able to stand up to our competition,” stated the determined coach. The comment seemed to a jab at the team’s part-time player, Tony Van Den Einde, who was last seen girl-friending around in the Twin Cities. “It was his first anniversary with this girlfriend, so he gets a free pass this week,” explained team GM Sikora. “We look forward to having him back next week.”

Congratulations to this week’s MVP Dan Fisher for winning the Lifetime Supply of Ramen*, courtesy of Dan Fisher. Dan led the team in beers drank during the six-inning game, with a total of four.

The team has announced its re-negotiated the contract of super-jock Derek Wallen. The terms of the agreement allow Wallen to play games this summer and exempts him from drug testing for organic foods. 

Next week has been slated as Co-Ed Night at the Park. Free beer will be available to any fan who attends the game. Chugging contests will be encouraged between innings at home plate. In addition, there will be a southern drawl accent competition, judged by the legend himself, Ed Forbes. Competitors will have to provide a birth certificate north of the Mason-Dixon line to enter.

*Lifetime Supply of Ramen equals to one case, as it’s hazardous to your health if consumed in larger quantities. 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode FIVE - Recap (5.13.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - When the creek’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin'! That’s the tone Breaking Balls set early as the team displayed some intense, dynamic content behind the plate, led by General Manager Andrew Sikora. Back from a self-ban for lack of drinking in the workplace, Sikora smashed a grandslam and energized the Balls' lineup, building a 7-4 lead. Unfortunately, the team’s shortened bench sputtered and couldn’t counter the late flurry of runs from Sad Panda, losing 11-21 in six innings on Tuesday night.

Jeremy Krzmarzick set the tempo from the start with his agressive plays in the field. Krzmarzick made certain that Sad Panda’s tears poured out early, with a cringe-worthy ball-to-face drilling as the runner attempted to beat out the play at first base. Flashbacks of “Down goes Frazier” rang out as the crowd rose to its feet when the runner fell to ground, clutching her face.

Krzmarzick effort didn’t go unnoticed by the opposition, as Sad Panda swiftly adjusted their strategy to “don’t get mad, get even.” Two innings later, Panda’s cleanup kicker crushed a ball right up the middle, introducing itself to veteran pitcher Heidi Baham’s face, drilling her right between the eyes. Baham appeared stunned, but in her motherly fashion, shook off the drilling and stayed in the game. When asked if she remembered the incident, Baham recalled, “Someone asked me if I was OK, but all I could think about was if there were any flex jobs tomorrow?” Baham is listed as questionable for next week with concussion-like symptoms.

The team’s injuries continued to pile up as 2nd base-woman Katie Long appeared to suffer a hamstring injury on a scoring play in the second inning.
She elected to stay in the game. Later, she regretted that decision, as Panda’s kicker rocketed a shot over ducking pitcher Baham leveling Long in the face. Long, tough as nails, took a minute to collect herself and stayed in the game, holding up her hands and yelling, "I'm OK, I'm OK."

“She’s a warrior out there, she can play on my team anytime she wants,” described the skipper on Long’s gutty performance. As the injuries piled up, the team’s doctor was no where to be seen. GM Sikora commented on the doctor’s absence after the game. “He’s in either in Blaine or Spain, I honestly can’t remember which.”

Tonight's saving grace came in the field with the dynamic diva duo of Schei and Riedell. Riedell was just short of brilliant in the field,
splitting time between center field and first base. Schei again dazzled with a spectacular inning-ending throw-them-out-at-the-plate play; scooping up the ball from third, hurling it at the runner and grazing them just before reaching home.

Even in the loss, the team seemed much more upbeat and looked forward to building off of their productive night at the plate.
Manchester was asked about his team’s performance. “We were gritty, full of beer, and drove the ball...just how I want this team to play. We just came up a few plays short."

In a surprising move, the team’s superstar Derek Wallen was suspended indefinitely by the league for testing positive for a banned substance. CSC did not release details of the suspension, but a report has surfaced that the illegal substance is related to Annie’s Homegrown products. Balls will look to the Rochester Runners, it's minor league affiliate to replace Wallen.

The team announced that May 20th will be Dan Fisher Night at the Creek. One lucky fan will receive a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles. 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode FOUR - Recap (5.7.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - On a historic evening at the Creek, fans witnessed epic efforts by two Breaking Balls’ newcomings, yet the team struggled with directional winds in the outfield and lost 1-17 to rival Pitches Be Crazy.

Crazy’s team retreat to Colorado seemed to pay off as the team played extremely relaxed and had a case of the munchies for cupcakes between innings.

“It felt like a twister out there,” explained winded outfielder Katie Long , “I couldn’t tell the difference between the ball and the birds at times, it was like that crazy.” The right fielder brought the crowd to its feet in the 4th with an amazing, yet unconventional stumble and fumble throw to prevent further damage in the inning. “It wasn’t pretty, but she prevented another run, I appreciate the hustle,” chuckled Coach Manchester recalling Long’s play.

All was not lost, as the team made history scoring its first franchise run. With one out in the fifth, newcomer Schei smashed the ball through a gap, scoring Matt Rodgers from third and securing her place in history (as the team's RKI leader, currently). Ball’s bench erupted with cheers, registering seismic activity in Northeast Minneapolis, the city’s first activity in over 20 years. With the run, it snapped the team’s 18 inning scoreless streak. “One and we’re not done!” fans yelled after the scoreboard lit up with the run.

Newly signed super-jock, Wallen, brought it early and often in his debut. Wallen was all over the infield, showing off his fielding skills while wearing custom gloves and new sheek athletic playing jeans. “He did everything I expected him to do, he’s a natural athlete,” the manager described in the loss.

Wallen’s ability was so impressive in the field, the opposing team’s only solution was to distract him with a female player dropping her pants, as she reached first base. The exposed player appeared to ask Wallen for an autograph on her thigh, which he respectfully declined.

The team will look ahead to next week’s game against Sad Pandas. The early line in Vegas has Breaking Balls a three-run favorite.
Nike announced after the game it has signed Derek Wallen to an endorsement deal, with their new, “It’s Got to be the Gloves,” campaign.

In a press release, the team announced that the Fulton Brewing Co. has discontinued its relationship with the team. The team looks to finalize a deal with RedBull to replace Fulton Brewing Co. “We need something to get us going. It’s either going to give us energy or a gut-rot. At this point, I’m willing to take that chance,” an anonymous team official announced Tuesday night. 

Breaking Balls: Season One - BREAKING NEWS

Minneapolis (MN) - Super-jock Derek Wallen has agreed to terms with Breaking Balls. Wallen’s signing brings speed, swagger and an extensive
beer knowledge to Breaking Balls. Specific details of the contract were not available at the time of this release. Pairing Wallen with Frey gives the team two dynamic speedsters on the base paths, ensuring that the game will turn into a legitimate game of DODGEball.

"Yeah, I’m excited. I mean I might be a little rusty, but I’m ready to show these guys what I can do," stated Wallen in a conference call to local reporters. Wallen will be introduced later today at a press conference with GM Andrew Sikora and Coach Manchester.

The team’s third game was rained out last night due to unplayable field conditions. Coach Manchester brought in Virginia kickball legend Dean Forbes for some motivational drinking at Pizza Luce, the team’s local hangout. “You guys just need to kick more home runs, it’s not that hard,” explained Forbes while slamming a Fulton beer, the team’s new official beer sponser. Forbes seemed to rally the troops as the team continued to order numerous beers and deflect talking about their inability to score runs with drinking. Breaking Balls looks to get back on track next week against rival, Pitches Me Crazy.

The game against One Pitch Wonders has been rescheduled for May 27th at 7:40pm. 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode TWO - Recap (4.22.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - On a night where diving stops and hustle plays by second basemen Pat were cheered, the kicks continued to remain silent.
But being shutout for two consecutive weeks hasn't discouraged this team's attitude or team chemistry. "We fielded much more consistent behind Heather and Heidi. Now let’s get to work on our kicking placements," stated manager Manchester after the team’s 0-7 loss to More Cowbell Tuesday evening.

"I’m going to change things up in our lineup next week. We need run support." With two consecutive shutouts, GM Andrew Sikora will explore signing super-jock Derek Wallen, who has been holding out due to disagreements with management on game-day scheduling and stipends for baby-sitters.

After the game, the team activated Bam Bam Schei from the Vegas Vacationing Unavailable List. Starting pitcher Tony missed the game due to what the team is calling, Girl-friending in St. Cloud. The manager had no comment on if Tony will be in town for next week's game.

In other news, Coors Light has asked the team not drink their beer until the team scores a run. Total attendance broke a record this week at 3. The team thanks everyone in attendance for their support.

- See Heidi if you left your purple water bottle at the field. - 

Breaking Balls: Season One - Episode ONE - Recap (4.15.14)

Minneapolis (MN) - Team Breaking Balls kicked off their kickball season last night with a 0-10 loss to the Brewballs.. "The kicking gods were not on our side last night," stated the optimist manager Manchester.

The team flashed moments of brilliance in the field from Van Den Einde's reflex grab at the pitching mound in the first inning to Riedell's inning ending catch in center field to end the sixth. The team struggled to move runners into scoring position all night. With kickball veterans Sikora, Halberts, Palczweski and newly signed Frey, the team should have no problem rebounding behind the plate next week.

In other news, the team's first baseman Halberts, re-aggreviated a hip flexer injury and will be re-evaluated for next weeks game. When asked how to improve, their mananger had a simple solution. "We just have to drink more, it's simple."