Minneapolis (MN) - As the sun set on Breaking Balls’ inaugural season, the team chose to let it all hang out in the finale—especially Krzmarzick, who couldn’t seem to keep his shorts up.
With a near-capacity crowd on hand, the team aggressively jumped BUCK-U-RANCH, going balls-deep into the lead with five runs after the first inning.
But the team crumbled under the pressure of the crowd’s expectations, fumbling opportunities to get timely outs and allowing the BUCKS to stick it back to them. Many distractions seemed to keep the game close, with some players citing nervousness due to the attendance of prospective team owners Dean Forbes and Dan Fisher.
But Coach Manchester refused to let the pre-game dry heaves hold him back from coaching a masterpiece. Spitting out the remaining contents of his stomach, he shouted, “I’m sick of this losing shit! Let’s go out there and win one for the Skip! Winger's in the crowd, and she’s not even drunk,” he squawked. “This means business, folks!”
While both teams arrived winless to the Forgotten Fields, Balls shook off the jitters to pull out an epic 14-11 victory on Tuesday night. “You’ve got some athlete’s out there,” slurred a drunken BUCK-U-RANCH outfielder.
Balls’ athleticism came into play at crucial moments. Team member Baham recruited her own son to supplement the team’s kicking powers, and he proved that even motherboys can kick it. The team also invited some innovative new ways to get on base.
Part way into the game, Sikora ripped the season’s most intense accidental five-foot bunt, much to the dismay of his team. However, Manchester raised the bar on the term, when he squid-kicked a monster bunt that dribbled a whopping four feet for a single. “It just shows that for both of us, sometimes pulling a Brownie works,” Manchester chuckled as he recalled the event.
Despite the win, controversy continued to shroud the team's play. In the fifth inning, Designated Kicker Trish McCabe was robbed of a single when the BUCK’S first basemen stepped directly into her base path. The bench erupted in outrage as she was called “out,” with Krzmarzick throwing a full beer toward the umpire. "Apparently you think this is FOOTBALL, Ump,” the outraged pitcher screamed while holding up his shorts with his free hand. “Do I look like a football player to you?"
But the team rebounded from the officiating errors and scored two additional runs, despite Sikora being tagged out at home plate. Attempting, yet again, to show off for his girlfriend, Sikora ignored the wildly protesting shouts of the third base coach and teammates, rounding third toward home. Unfortunately for Sikora, his poor choice on the field cost him the run and possibly a girlfriend. It’s rumored that team members heard her say that his playing “just didn’t do it for [her] this week,” and that he may be banned from further trips to Ikea for “bedroom set browsing.”
"New season, new girlfriend, whatever,” Sikora said defensively. “I'll come back next season with more refined skills, and I'll be back in Ikea sooner than you can say Match-dot-com.”
With the win, the team broke numerous records, including “most wins in a season” and “most runs scored in a game,” as well as “most sunflower seeds spit by a potential owner while intensely pacing the sidelines.”
With rumors spreading that the team may be on the market, Fish & Forbes Industries inquired about availability after a heavy night of drinking.
“We see a lot value in this team; they just need to execute our tactics,” exclaimed Forbes, attempting to persuade the crowd of reporters. Reports have
swirled in recent days that ownership’s intent is to contract and force the team members to play out their settlements as a creative agency.
"We have a lot of work to do in the fall," Fisher described, as the team carried Manchester away on their shoulders in celebration.
In other news, the team has extended its manager’s contract by one week. Stay tuned for the end-of-year awards announced next week.