Minneapolis (MN) - Manchester knew time was running out on his tenure as Breaking Balls’ manager. Desperate measures had to be taken to save his job. So, the coach turned to the Sleepy Eye call-up for a new addition on the pitching mound, a man whose year had been defined by erratic throws, vulgar language and inconsistent play in the field: Jeremy Krzmarzick.
In his pre-game speech, an emotional Krzmarzick moved his teammates with a rendition of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” promising in his lyrical display, “I’ll take you there.”
The other team took notice of his exuberance and came to the Balls’ bench asking for defectors to fill in for their comrades, who had passed out on a nearby picnic table. Krzmarzick exclaimed in homage to his celebrity crush Jennifer Lawrence, “I volunteer!” It was a move that allowed Balls to both gain insight on the other team’s tactics in the field and also proved that Krzmarzick is willing to go both ways.
After he’d concluded his mission, the Balls brought Krzmarzick back on board to begin his role on the mound. “Let’s win this one for Tom!” yelled the fired-up new pitcher, tripping over the foul line as he trotted out. At that point, the pitcher's... unique... style and delivery drove the team throughout the game, depleting Drunk Like a Skunk’s team and nearly securing Balls its first victory. Although it technically ended in a 4-4 tie in extra innings, it felt like a win to both the team and the crowd.
The Hurd-Krzmarzick combo platter on the mound dominated Drunk Like a Skunk’s kickers until late-inning fatigue caught up with them (much like the black bean burrito Krzmarzick ate for lunch). “He was a little pooped, so we put Hurd in to hold the tie during the extra innings,” described the chipper GM Sikora. “Overall, the team played outstanding defense today. We couldn’t have asked for a better game defensively.”
With solid defensive plays from the left side of the infield, Manchester and Van Den Einde forced Skunks to try for placement elsewhere in the field. But, with a dazzling double-play catch and tag up the middle by Krzmarzick, the drunken Skunks slurred their efforts with little success.
Tamatha Schei, the team’s third basemen pulled herself from play mid-game to document the historic performance on her phone. When asked about Schei’s selfless act, coach Manchester replied, “I’m still waiting for my cream-filled donut. Next question.”
Fielding a ball in the third, First Base Woman Sarah Riedell dashed toward the oncoming runner. With her eyes locked on the target, Riedell fired at the approaching runner’s feet. But to her surprise, the drunken, cigarette-smoking runner suddenly slid, and Riedell’s powerful throw hit him bullseye in the face. It was the “play of the year” to some, with the runner not only safe at the bag due to the head-hit, but calmly and unflinchingly still puffing away at his Camel Light cigarette. Big Tobacco is rumored to have requested footage of the play for an upcoming campaign proving exercise can be more dangerous for your health than smoking.
Balls put runners on base time after time to try and secure a game-winning run, but struggled due to several base-running errors. "I'll take a tie, voiced Starting Pitcher Hurd. “I mean it's as close as we’ve gotten to a victory this season.”
The team is hoping to build off its gutty performance in the field with next week’s cliffhanger season finale. Will this team win a game?
In other news, Sikora returned in time from IKEA to score another inside-the-park home run, generating loud screams from his littering girlfriend in the crowd. He leads the team in RKIs with 12. It was a stunning performance, although celebrations are marred by rumors that Sikora may be investigated by league officials. According to allegations, suspicions arose due to Sikora’s dramatic and obvious performance improvement whenever his girlfriend is in attendance. A full evaluation and blood test on Sikora are pending at this time.